I’ve been up all night with hypochondria!
The Sub-Horror Genre: Insurance Fraud and Don’t Click That! Why would you Click Through??? Plus one incredibly honest Happy Hour in NYC to get you through the #InsurAnxiety
It’s 2 o’clock on a Wednesday, and I can feel the manifestation of anxiety kick into gear. I pinch my nails into the tips of my fingers, reassuring myself the numb sensation is all in my head. My brain goes racy, the acute awareness is hard to shake once it’s inside. I stretch my jaw to prevent a headache later, a self-inflicted symptom of decades of bruxism. See, I’ve been researching healthcare options, and although I’ve blocked myself from searching Web MD after 4 years of endless searches for ailments, today’s exercise is provoking my suppressed hypochondria.
I hated being a hypochondriac. I know my family and friends thought I was crazy everytime I saw a new specialist. I knew I needed to stop the search for something wrong. But something always felt wrong. First, it was chronic upper back pain. Ripped off by a chiropractor, I moved on. Acid reflux… Hives… Swollen eyelids… Random pain in my stomach and abdomen. Why was I so tired all the time? Is that blood in my stool? Or did I just eat beets? Brain fog, can’t sleep, can’t get out of bed. I must be dying.
Allergy tests escalated to Ultrasounds, CT scans, and MRIs. When nothing was found during the Endoscopy, I ordered a Colonoscopy. The latter closed out my search for what wasn’t right. The doctor found and removed a precancerous polyp. “Prevention is the best medicine,” he said. (I’ve been clear for 12 years, and I get a fresh colon looksee every 5 years)
I still had mysterious pains, but for the moment, the findings cured my hypochondria. I stopped seeking out specialists. Something was wrong > something was found > fixed > the end. I stopped caring about the little uncertainties. I gave up WebMD cold turkey. I was free, my family and friends could stop pointing their psycho-projections my way. Annual screenings (by all specialists) would be enough due diligence for me. Until now.
I recently joined the ranks of the independent contractor. Once I lost my staff position I qualified for Medicaid, but I’ve been freelancing enough to upgrade. The Medicaid $0 pricetag has hanger appeal, but the fabric is shoddy. It is questionable how it covers you out of state, the search engine for PCPs is inaccurate (it directed me to pulmonary doctors in search of a primary), and when I finally found someone, the first appointment was five months out. My anxiety can’t handle that.
It also sucks to start from square one with a new doctor… eh hem… new team of doctors at 46. I’ve seen the same scrubs since my twenties.
Regardless, the search is on for the best new plan, but which plan and at what price tag? Today, I had a call with a consultant who began his pitch on Affordable Healthcare with, “There is no such thing.”
I can feel my anxiety building as I press my laptop keys letter by letter. And everyone who can make a buck is on to me.
Ryze, Cuppa, and all the mushroom coffees are stalking me on socials, promising kidney detox, clear focus, and energy. Did you know Amazon has tele-health? I do. They reached out via email. It’s simple, just choose a condition to get started. So kind of them to find me.
And I know this is going to sound like it’s my fault, and I’m a dummy, and that is true. But I was stress-searching. Racing to hit the deadline, I searched Affordable Healthcare in New York State and clicked the first link. Add your phone number to get started. Which I did. My phone rang in seconds. Shit. That wasn’t a dot-gov website. I clocked 90 spam calls a day for the next few weeks. I re-listed my number on donotcall.gov, but it only caught maybe 40% of those f&(kers.
So for this post, I’m going to (most likely regret) seeing through the latest Healthcare poking. And at the end, I’ll add a little list of other bullshittery affordable items hitting my feed, and my wits' end brainstorm of actual ones. BONUS – One is a tremendous happy hour, I hope you’ll join me at. Because after all of this talk… we need a window of time to drown our sorrows and toast to our likeness.
She looks happy! This can’t be right.
Seems simple enough…
READ WHAT!!! THERE IS NOTHING TO READ HERE.
I CAN’T DO IT. I’M PARALYZED BY FEAR. I CANNOT IN GOOD CONSCIENCE HIT THE COMPLETE APPLICATION BUTTON.
So I hit this one instead…. Stay tuned.
As promised: More wishfully affordable things for the risk-tolerant, persistent button pushers….
K…
This with lottery
I could mention that some All-American Diners also charge $20-$25 for a burger deluxe, which I couldn’t afford in high school, and it’s a little obscene now. BUT…
The Staten Island Ferry is free!
Walking is cool!
Foreign labor, or fuck it… AI, on Upwork can do stuff? Also… I’m on Upwork, but yeah... :/
Subway is only $2.90 a ride. I remember $2, and it keeps going up, but it beats Uber anytime.
AND NOW THE REAL AFFORDABLE HEALTHCARE ACT FROM ‘YOU LOOK TIRED’… Mikado Happy Hour requires a nod, honestly bend the knee to Mikado, for truly benefiting both our mental health and our wallets. $1 Edamame, $3 Sapporos, $5 Sushi Tacos, $5 Sakes, $6 Sushi. Bring a friend and soak in the satisfaction from talk and sushi taco therapy.
Do you feel my pain? Please share, rant, connect, or subscribe.