I'm Still on Cannes Time

I have a belly full of cheese and a renewed crush on the film industry.

A few weeks ago, I was lucky enough to find an affordable flight to Cannes, France. My husband Chris, who deserves the credit for finding the ticket, had a business opportunity during the film festival, so I hitched a ride. Off we went to La La Land of the French Riviera.

After the 7 days abroad, we woke up at home (very early) and responsibly restarted our Planet Fitness routine; We walk the treadmill for 45 minutes at the highest incline. Cheese and baguette weight is real people. I should be running, not walking. However, while on the treadmill, I’ll usually watch the shows my husband doesn’t co-watch with me, aka Bravo and...

Hacks, HBO/Max Original drama-dy (drama-comedy) featuring Jean Smart and Hannah Einbinder. It’s a very smart, dark, cruel, honest, and super funny rollercoaster where two mismatched women on opposite ends of their careers struggle through the entertainment industry woes, seesawing between friendship and foes. That’s an oversimplified and terrible logline, but I’m just using the show as a segue. Please forgive me.

In the latest episode, the duo finds out their show will broadcast live after the Oscars. Hannah Einbinder’s character, Ava, shouts out in victory to the writer’s room, “Yes! This is the closest I’ll get to work in features!” And oh, girl, I can relate.

I just flew home from Cannes with Julianne Moore and Jai Courtney. Of course… I was in the way way back in a coach class middle seat for eight hours, too close to the bathrooms. We were on the same flight, though. That part is true. This is the closest I’ll get to work in features!

Hannah Einbinder, as Ava, is a veteran comedian’s head writer. This photo looks SO CLOSE TO FEATURES. Photograph by Courtesy of HBO Max

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to make movies. Tell stories. Write, direct, edit, anything. Through junior high and high school, I documented everything on my High 8 camera. Mostly parties and kids being kids, driving around, and taking water guns at innocent gas station attendants. Social media without instant gratification. We tethered the camera to a Super VHS machine, edited everything down to the track of our favorite Sublime song, or something of our parents’ influence, like Cat Stevens. “The Tape” got longer year over year and was dubbed another generation down to share the VHS with friends.

I also took a film production class in high school, but the teacher never developed our claymation shorts. We art-directed our clay characters and sets, shot, edited (spliced and taped) the film… never to see it. Go, Middletown, New Jersey tax dollars!

When looking at colleges for film production, my suburban guidance counselors, who likely never read a trade, told me film was a dead medium and just to find a college that taught video production. I naively made my college decision based on friendships over fellowships and ended up in a news-gathering, multi-camera focused production program tucked away amidst a Mennonite community in Kutztown, Pennsylvania.

I’m not complaining. I did end up in entertainment... unscripted television. Hey! One of my first gigs was in Cancun, Mexico, on an MTV Spring Break show. I’ve traveled the world to Tokyo, Istanbul, Stockholm, Vancouver, Milan, Dublin, all on a production budget. I’ve also been to Mulvane, Kansas, Thackerville, Oklahoma, and next up… New Town, North Dakota. But I never left the East Coast before working in production. It wasn’t exactly what I set out to do; I was narrative feature adjacent. Doe-eyed and smitten for a boy who doesn’t see me. Even though his locker is next to mine. BUT, I was still on the plane.

That’s why Ava’s line and her tone of excitement and acceptance resonate with me. Film (still not dead, Mr. Suburbs), Hollywood (although now shooting in Canada and Australia), has always felt like number one. It seems simultaneously unspoken and advertised that the movie business (and now scripted TV) is the sun the rest of us are just orbiting. Ava is a writer on a late-night talk show, often dependent on celebrity bookings. I’ve been on sets with Jennifer Lawrence and Robert Downey Jr, but we all know I’m in the minors, not the big leagues. Yet, there’s still an excitement that something you’ve loved your entire life is so damn close. Just out of reach.

And I’m not talking about Julianne Moore; I’m talking about movies. The writing, the dialogue, the cinematography. The breathtaking world-building and production design in a series like Dune. The foreboding turned unfaltering romance of Nora Ephron’s When Harry Met Sally. The painful monologue delivered by America Ferrara in Barbie, which gave women and girls a torch, left men in tears on set, and Etsy a new poster to print!

On my flight home, I watched (and cried) during the recent We Live in Time with Andrew Garfield and Florence Pugh, and I rewatched Alex Garland’s Civil War, which terrified me in the theatre, and provided a masterclass in writing, especially noticed when screening in economy on a ipad sized screen. The work still stands. I get emotional, invested, hopeful, and terrified by movies.

My husband has even seduced me into horror. I used to see most movies alone, so I would avoid horror. I lived alone and didn’t sleep well. Although maybe the supernatural-monsters-in-the-closet nightmare would be a welcome deviation to I-have-a-live-show-and-the-printer-won’t-work-and-I-messed-up-all-the-rundowns-and-we’re-live-in-3-2-1 nightmares that kept me tossing and turning. But Barbarian, Talk to Me, Nope, It Lives Inside, Long Legs were fantastic, and each of them opened my eyes to the art of transferring tension from the screen to the seats.

I didn’t see one red carpet. But this view was special.

Anyway, I’m still jetlagged from my trip, fighting sleep before 8p and forcing my head back in the pillow at 4 am. I look super tired, and my eyes are appropriately puffy from too much fromage et vin et baguette et pomme frites, but it all feels a little worth it. My DM’s are flooding with Pedro Pascal Cannes content, and I’m rewatching Mission-Impossible-7 in anticipation of 8. Right now, I am OK with my assigned seat.

I’ll exist in the hopeful-nearby as long as I can. I’ll work in unscripted television, sports, and events while I find ways to mingle with the big leagues. I have written two terrible screenplays and a few shorts. Last year, I was invited by a dear friend and filmmaker, Sibyl Santiago, to serve as Production Manager, Operations, for the SoHo International Film Festival, followed by an opportunity to co-produce and 2nd AD on a short film with her. At 46, I remembered what high school me wanted to do. On set, I was eager to learn and help however I could, because when the AD calls action, the craft was happening mere feet from me. I was no longer a neighbor or a supporting partner; I was part of the inner narrative.

People in the industry are so down lately. And it’s understandable. There is less domestic production, sequels or requels are easier to greenlight than original stories, and AI is looming with a promise to shift the landscape again.

But I still have faith. Stories are the fabric that blankets the world. Plus, people like Ava and I need to keep brushing elbows with the dreams we once had. It reminds you, when you are that close, keep going.¹

Of course, we know how that ended for Elsa in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. “I can reach it.”

1. I have no idea if Ava’s character wanted to write movies instead of stand-up or late-night. I just really loved the line. If you’ve made it this far, leave a comment with your favorite movies and TV shows recently!